Welcome to October Velocity and Fuel parents!
We are into our new series, THE FIGHTER!
Think
About This
“It’s not
you, it’s me.” It’s a classic break-up line. But it may also be a helpful line
when it comes to navigating conflict with your student. Except, it’s just the
opposite. “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Not that you should say that to your teenager, but when it comes to working
through the emotional landmines students seem to live in, this can be helpful
to keep in mind: You aren’t crazy.
In an
article from Psychology Today, Dr. Terri Apter writes, “The real task of adolescence, and the real cause of turbulence, is the
teen's own uncertainty about who he is,
alongside his eager need to establish a sense of identity.” It’s the reason things always feel on
edge. For students, much is on the line. They
know they are changing and growing, but they aren’t quite sure what, or who,
they are becoming. It is a classic identity crisis. And as they are trying
so hard to figure themselves out, parents become targets; innocent bystanders,
feeling helpless in their position.
Apter
continues, “Teens get so heated in
arguments with parents because so much is at stake: they are fighting to change
their relationship with a parent, to make a parent see that they are not the
child the parent thinks she knows…teens
expect the parent to appreciate who they have become, even before they know.”
In other
words, your teenagers are desperate for a sense of individuality and
self—desperate for you as their parent to recognize it, value it and understand
it. They need you to lead the way in their quest for distinctiveness and feel
the support and encouragement coming from you. They may not have the words for
it, their actions may communicate otherwise, but at the root of this stage of development is the desire to be
foundationally supported by the ones they often end up isolating.
As much as
they try to push you away, exclude you or simply ignore you, by definition of
your role, you are in it. With them. And if done right, you could have the
chance to fight for them, and not simply against them. Don’t give up on
them. Though the conflict doesn’t feel fair. The frustration doesn’t feel
legitimate. The annoyance doesn’t feel justifiable. Don’t start treating
interactions with your student as something to “win.” Instead, work at winning the relationship. Come
from a place of understanding—instead of frustration. Come from a place of
grace—instead of being defensive. Come from a place of readiness to help—even
if met with little to no appreciation.
Instead of
making this a fight, see this as a journey—done together. This may be a season of conflict. But your willingness to be present in
it, to stick through it, to fight for it is, in and of itself, a win. Don’t
give up on them now. Keep at it, and you may be surprised, encouraged and maybe
even a bit amazed at who your teenager finds themselves to be.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/domestic-intelligence/200901/teens-and-parents-in-conflict
